The Applesauce Theory


A few months ago, a friend and I were discussing the daunting “was that a date?” question. At the time, some of our close girlfriends were struggling with men and their lack of clarity when it came to going out one-on-one. Thus, the applesauce theory was born.

The Applesauce Theory is simple. Back in kindergarten (or pre-school), you would sit down for snack time next to your friends. Then, out of the blue, the cute kid from class would sit next to you and put his applesauce on the table. If he had a crush on you, he would be clear and say: “Hi Patricia, do you want to share this applesauce with me?” I would agree and we would giddily sit next to one another knowing that that was as serious as it could be in kindergarten. On the other hand, some other punk would sit down next to you, put his applesauce right between you and him, and then you wouldn’t know. Does he want to share his applesauce? Is he interested in me? He just wasn’t clear…as if he were expecting you to make the first move.

Apparently, men haven’t really changed a lot since pre-school. It’s all about putting the applesauce on the table while you’re sitting there arms crossed wondering whether or not he wants you to have some. The lack of clarity is disconcerting because it doesn’t really take a lot to be clear. A simple “Hi [insert name], do you want to go out with me?”  is more than enough, but instead we’re all left wondering whether or not “hanging out” is a date.

Needless to say, the Applesauce Theory only expects men to own up to their intentions when they’re wooing a woman. It’s truly not that hard.

Drop the following excuses and get on board! It’s simple!

1. If it ain’t true, it ain’t love…

Okay. Asking a girl out on a date does not mean that you’re committing forever and ever to this one girl. However, it does help a girl figure out your intentions. We live in a society full of “hanging out”, banal text messages, and hookups. If you keep perpetuating the never-ending cycle of the applesauce theory, you won’t finally get the girl. You’ll end up wondering why she kept hanging out with Mr. I-can share-my-applesauce and friend-zoned you.

2. Women just get “too clingy”

Women: Do not  get clingy. As I stated before, going out on one date does not mean that you’re marrying the guy, having his children, and living happily ever after. It just means that he intends to get to know you better. Don’t be like Jess from New Girl.  Calm down, breathe, stop trying on fifteen different outfits, and relax

3. The Friend Zone.

Ah, the dreaded friend zone. I have so many guy friends who have expressed the constant frustration of being put into the friend zone category…or even worse, the “sibling zone”. This zone is easily avoided when you muster up the courage to ask the girl out and have the conversation that you very much need to have. If you’ve been flirting endlessly for years (or months) and you still haven’t made your feelings clear, you’re doing it wrong. Make a move, be daring, and let them know how you feel.

4. The Fear of Rejection

But…we’re such good friends, what if she rejects me? It’ll be so awkward. Fear is stopping you from sharing applesauce. Don’t let this happen. As Peter McWilliams said, “It is a risk to love. What if it doesn’t work out? Ah, but what if it does.” I’m not going to lie. Rejection sucks. There’s no way around it, but it’s also a very essential part of life. I would rather know how the other person feels about me than stay in the perpetual state of “hanging out” while the applesauce on the table gets stale, moldy, and gross. I know that it’s hard, but just…do it!

5. The Proof is in the Applesauce

Men: if you’re interested in a woman, make it clear. As Francis Scott Fitzgerald wrote, “Why don’t you tell me that ‘if the girl had been worth having she’d have waited for you’? No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.” If you don’t make your intentions clear, how are we supposed to know that you’re interested… just guess? No. Let her know. Otherwise, Mr. I-can-share-my-applesauce will come around and sweep her off her feet.

Go ahead! Ask your crush out…it’ll be worth it!